life lessons Archives - Comfortable Hell

Does Control Really Reduce Anxiety?

Sarah Saxby — Tue, 18 Jul 2023 03:19:08 +0000

I heard someone say recently that the reason people control is to reduce anxiety. It seems like a pretty obvious concept, but to me it was a very new way of looking at it.

We control people and/or situations to reduce that dreaded feeling of anxiousness.

The more restrictions we place on others, the more we monitor and hover, the more we force desired outcomes, we just might be able to rest our heads at night until we open our eyes in the morning and continue to plan out every minute detail of the upcoming day, because if we don’t……what? What will happen exactly?

This takes me back to my most recent relationship dynamic.

I have mentioned in previous blogs that I was “owned“, I was an extension of him.

He controlled the finances and how money was spent. He reviewed the phone bill every month and the numbers coming in and out of my phone. He controlled where I went, either by showing up or using guilt to get himself invited to wherever I wanted to go. He followed me to work. He demanded that I talk to him to and from work and during my entire lunch. He hacked my social media. He listened to phone conversations.

When he felt he was losing control, he would yell or demand. You could feel his anxiety building as the reins got tighter. The unimaginable fear he must have felt. Like living death, I would imagine. How hard must that have been to 100% orchestrate the life of another person? The energy that had to have taken and like I said in the beginning, for what?

What would happen if I went out with friends? What would happen if I went to the bank by myself? What would happen if I had 4 unknown numbers on my phone? Well, it must be death, because what else is there?

With that said, being a life-long student of the Kabbalah Centre, I know all too well that what you see in others, you possess, as well.

So where are the places that I control to avoid those horrible feelings?

Well let’s see… I control my behavior, as to not upset those around me. If I carefully survey the room, and those in it, so I can pick up on their feelings, I will act accordingly, mitigating my behavior to reduce any sort of possible tension.

I control conversations in a way where I cannot, under any circumstances, allow someone else in my presence to say something stupid. Oh, and if they do, I make up for it. I laugh and joke so the other person doesn’t get confronted in my presence.

I realize I only do this to protect myself. It’s not about protecting the other person – it’s about protecting ME!

So here we are, self-protection.

Control, at all costs, to avoid anxiety, to avoid what feels like death.

It’s inside of me as much as anyone else, but for me, I vow to change.

My only option to uproot this insane control/anxiety cycle is to breathe through it, center myself, and stand in the face of it. Yes, it hurts, but only for a few seconds, because on the other side of that challenge is absolute freedom and paradise.

For the first 50 years of my life, I have been accepting endless hurt. I was playing this ridiculous game of tiptoeing around so everything fell into place exactly as I thought it should, but it NEVER felt good. It was exhausting, to put it lightly.

All I ever really had to do was stand and watch the situation move through me, with possibly three seconds of agony, as opposed to a lifetime of it.

So, does control REALLY reduce anxiety at the end of the day?

It does not, so I accept the upcoming challenges, as I move closer to my true paradise, free from the chains of control.

Sarah Saxby

Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.

comfortablehell.com

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Our Wounds Follow Us on Vacation

Sarah Saxby — Tue, 14 Mar 2023 09:35:52 +0000

As I approach the one-year anniversary of my escape from Comfortable Hell, Part 1, I’m well aware of the road still in front of me, but I’m looking through a very different frame this time around. There’s this very strange dichotomy that exists inside of me. I’m sure it’s always been there, but the difference is my current willingness to accept, allow, and ultimately engage with events in my life that will either make or break me.

In the past, I chose to turn a blind eye to anything and everything that went against my beliefs, my boundaries (as poorly built as they were), and my soul’s knowing. There’s a feeling of worthlessness that I’ve carried around all my life, and that worthlessness creates a sanctuary for abusive treatment, be it from partners, family members, friends, or co-workers – it really doesn’t matter. I felt I was of zero value inside and so I was taken advantage of, many times and in many ways.

Now the beautiful thing about the challenges I have been given is that I can see these challenges in other people, very clearly. It’s bittersweet, actually, because although I can see this wound in others and have the ability to help, that doesn’t mean others are ready to face that wound and step out of Comfortable Hell. I have so many people around me that I love so much, but they refuse to look at the REAL issues, the ones that they push down and lie to themselves about every single day of their lives.

We are all suffering greatly these days, not just emotionally, but physically. Internal suffering will eventually manifest itself physically, mark my words, and our current culture still supports the belief that the key to ending the suffering will be found externally, so we spin our wheels.

We’ve been lied to for a very long time. You see, I know now that the escape from my self-inflicted agony was on the other side of a door that was and always will be wide open. When I look back over the five-plus years before my most recent breakaway, I see myself living in a dark, monotone, and stormy environment.

It looked pretty and colorful on the outside, I made sure of that, but behind the scenes was chaos and overwhelming torture. Yet, there I sat, with my world blowing around me in a gray, destructive manner. This, this is what I accepted to live out the days of my existence. The million-dollar question here is, why?

As I sat and suffered in my whirlwind of madness, I began to notice a doorway that had a bright neon sign right above it. That sign said, “Enter: Ultimate Freedom.” That same doorway was actually given to each and every one of us at birth and never closes, it never shuts down.

What the other side looks like physically will vary from person to person. I know for me I saw the sun and beautiful mountains and lakes. There were birds, butterflies, and dragonflies. I could tell that the temperature on that side was so perfect that you couldn’t determine the difference from inside or outside your body. Every breath of the crisp air could cleanse and heal any ailments and afflictions. I could also see friends and family, all healthy and thriving, laughing and loving one another, with only unity and respect.

When I looked down this very reachable pathway, I didn’t just see freedom, I felt it internally, as external paradise can ONLY manifest from the inside out. So why was I not running toward this obvious heaven on earth? I wasn’t chained to my current situation. Well, not physically anyway.

It seems so ridiculously dumb when I look at it this way, but I was indeed powerless to walk in that direction, for many, many years. I realize now that the only thing weighing me down were suitcases of emotions, clutched in both hands, also given to me at birth.

There have been countless scenarios in my life, all divinely orchestrated, that attempted to open these suitcases, but my biggest talent is cushioning these interactions so those emotions don’t get touched. I do not want to feel, period. I have never been who I truly am, and ultimately here to be, not ever, not a day in my life. The gift of exposing the real me comes with a very expensive price tag of letting that baggage go and feeling the pain I’ve avoided for lifetimes.

Some people say they’d rather die than speak in public. For me, public speaking is a walk in the park compared to my fear of facing emotions, yet that is the ONLY thing that kept me, and still keeps me, from internal paradise. I know that I can change a variety of things in my environment, like buy a new house, date a new guy, or go on a cruise, but the wounds come with me wherever I go. Have you noticed that?

Paradise is no longer on the outside because our wounds aren’t going away when we’re on a beach vacation anymore. We just can’t seem to shake the unhappiness and unfulfilled feeling inside. Now, more than any time that has ever existed on this planet is the time to stop turning that blind eye to what we’ve ignored and swore that we would never address.

It’s like having issues with sleeping and being addicted to caffeine. We tell ourselves, “oh, I know it’s not the caffeine, it can’t be,” as we continue to sleep two hours a night and look for easier, less painful ways to deal with our sleep issues than give up the addiction that is so obviously the cause.

Only you know what your “caffeine” is and it can typically be found by answering the question “where am I lying to myself?” This is deep, my friends, and if you’re really willing to go that deep, you will shake and feel sick upon what you find. That’s when you know you’ve arrived at the most protected part of your suffering. Welcome it because you asked for it. It is the ONLY key to unlocking the chains that keep you from the true freedom you’ve been searching for all your life.

Sarah Saxby

comfortablehell.com

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How Do You Feel About You?

Sarah Saxby — Mon, 06 Feb 2023 01:57:10 +0000

I’ve taken a little bit of a break from writing, but I think that needs to happen sometimes. Writing this blog has been hard work and emotionally taxing, but at the same time it has been somewhat cleansing. Within this most recent break amazing things have happened, my reality has shifted. I wouldn’t say things have gotten easier, but for sure they have gotten clearer. My understanding has deepened and my consciousness has expanded.

I’ve spent quite some time talking about what I’ve “endured” in my past, and through my writing, getting out the anger that I’ve been accumulating over the years. This has subsequently taught me how to feel and face emotions I never, ever thought I would touch. I have allowed people that I believed to be friends or trustworthy to do whatever they want to me with zero consequences. I never had the courage to call it out when it was happening to me, although I knew it was.

Those emotions, the fears that get poked when standing up for myself or calling out someone’s abuse, those are the ones that I keep inside two suitcases, one in each hand. I carry these suitcases from one situation to another like a pack mule whose only job is to get from one place to another with a bunch of worthless junk strapped to them that serves zero purposes. I grip these emotional treasure chests so tightly, certain to never accidentally spill them and cause me to feel what’s inside, or even worse, cause someone else to feel them at my expense.

Today, I’m a bit of what I can only describe as a runaway freight train, forcing people to feel the emotions that I, unbeknownst to them, carried for many, many years. For me it was like, if you feel bad, then I will feel worse, so allow me to ignore the reality of the situation in hopes to avoid what I’ve packed in those suitcases. I can take it, you cannot, so go ahead and lie, betray, control, steal, and manipulate. I will continue to pseudo-love you and exhaust every ounce of my soul so you won’t be tempted to open that fear luggage of mine.

Flash forward and I have now decided to hold people accountable for everything I’ve let slide under the table in hopes to avoid truly feeling the fear. Conversely, if I am also to be held accountable for past wrongdoing, the same rules apply – feel the fear!

Things are so different today, and I’m not talking only about me, things are way different for everyone. Time is moving so fast and situations are condensed. Nothing is dragged out for years anymore. Something happens and boom, it’s a blip on a screen.

Feelings are so intense, by design. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. Physical things are no longer the cause of our happiness, it’s quite the opposite. We have to feel good first, then the corresponding beauty appears before our eyes.

Everything that happens now is between you and you. Everything is about your feelings and what you’re willing to face. Our ONLY option is to let go of those suitcases, let them break open, let them explode. Feel the uneasiness, the awkwardness, the cringe, it’s OK!

How do you feel about you? The answer should always be “free.”

Sarah Saxby

comfortablehell.com

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Tradeoffs Are Expensive

Sarah Saxby — Wed, 07 Dec 2022 10:00:14 +0000

I was talking with my herbalist a few weeks ago and he mentioned the word “tradeoff.” In the context of our conversation, it had to do with anxiety and wine. Basically, I was going through some serious fight-or-flight days and he asked me if having a glass of wine at night helps me to relax.

Unfortunately, oftentimes wine gives me a headache, but I understood where he was going with this. When I told the herbalist about my mixed feelings toward a glass of wine, he said “when you’re healing, sometimes there have to be tradeoffs.”

In this case, if the wine was going to relax me, it was worth risking a bit of a headache because my being calm at the end of the day was currently more important for my health. This type of tradeoff made sense to me, it was in my best interest and was ultimately a stepping stone to me getting back on my emotionally strong feet.

Flash forward to today and the word “tradeoff” is coming up for me again but in a much different way. If you think about it, how significant are tradeoffs in your life and where do they show up? A little hint, we women literally make them all day long, with everything we do… and I mean EVERYTHING!

The best (actually worst) part about this is that we make a conscious decision to ignore what we’re actually trading off. We bury those self-sacrifices very deep, in a place we wish would just make them go away. The reason why I say that we make the tradeoff decisions consciously, as opposed to unconsciously, is because we are painfully aware of them.

Women are natural-born intuitives. We know what’s gonna happen WAY before it actually does, especially with our kids and/or people very close to us. There is rarely a time when we move forward without our gut FIRST giving us the truth, a sign, or better yet, a warning. But still, we live every day like we have weights tied around our ankles and, once again, begin the daily hike up the mountain that has no top.

So, to what end do we make this daily trek? When do we really think the self-sacrificing is going to pay off? When do we plan to cash in our chips for all of the tradeoffs we’ve made over the years to merely keep the status quo in our environment and, better yet, what exactly are we protecting by fighting so hard to maintain the status quo?

I remember my mom always telling me that my dad was a “good provider.” Although I was young, I could sense a person’s sadness or lack of comfort a mile away, and certainly my own mother’s. I never felt like she was internally happy or that she experienced true joy and inner peace. So, when I asked her why she was even with my dad, the only answer I ever received was that he was a “good provider.”

Translation: she sacrificed her internal happiness. She pushed down all of the things that COULD have brought her joy, like laughing with friends, going dancing, living in Montana, traveling to interesting places and meeting new people, extreme sports (yes, my mother would have jumped out of an airplane), going to social gatherings, and staying out late, and spending time around children.

She sacrificed all of these amazing things because my dad was not interested in any of them and he was the “provider.” He provided her with a small home, a car, food, clothing, and one vacation a year. At least my mom could buy a photo album and throw some pictures in there as a reminder of all she wasn’t allowed to do.

My mom stayed small so my dad could remain big (in a sense). And what was she protecting? Her fear of rocking the boat and possibly losing the “skinny cow,” the excruciatingly painful status quo, and the image of a content wife and mother she fought hard to maintain. She was raised to believe that she couldn’t make it alone, so it’s better off to have a warm body around that can change a lightbulb and pay a bill.

If I had a nickel for every woman that has recently said to me “yeah, this is just how it is for me, there’s nothing I can do about it, but it’s fine”, I would be kinda rich. WHY IS LIVING THIS WAY “FINE”???

Why not rock the boat for a shot at real pleasure, endless energy, excitement, and paradise? That is what we’re in this world to experience. But we hold on, with both hands, as tight as we can, to the pain of mediocrity, kissing our needs, desires, and dreams goodbye, while exhausting ourselves to appear Facebook-happy.

I am speaking from experience when I say that continuing to push your desires under the rug will not last, you will inevitably be forced to live them. The ONLY difference is the path you take to get there, but you will get there. The choice is ALWAYS yours, but tradeoffs will get more expensive as time goes on.

Sarah Saxby

comfortablehell.com

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Change Is for Other People

Sarah Saxby — Wed, 23 Nov 2022 10:00:20 +0000

Someone asked me recently what it is I value in a relationship. It was an interesting question for me, especially at this time, because my knee-jerk reaction was to say “just don’t freaking try to control me.”

But I realized that I needed to be a bit more constructive and practical in my answer. If I can’t reasonably respond to this question, what is it that I’m hoping to achieve in the future? I need to get this ironed out, as my slate is super clean right now.

The first thing that popped into my head was trust. This is where I’m going to steer a little bit off course from discussing my relationship values for a minute because I want to talk about me and trust.

If there’s one thing I can say about myself it is that I am a vault. Always have been. There is actually something in my astrological chart that speaks to me being trustworthy and giving out a vibe that allows people to feel comfortable sharing with me, very private information.

I remember as a kid being told some pretty wild things and feeling very empowered by keeping those words to myself. For the record, I don’t remember any information being dangerous or potentially hurtful, it was more gossipy at that point, but I never spoke of it.

Flash forward to today and this is very much still the case. There have been so many people that have reached out to me and shared private struggles or they literally just message me and say “thank you” and nothing else (meaning, thank you for blogging about what I cannot speak of or, for that matter, do anything about).

The common theme seems to be “yeah, it’s great that you’re speaking up for yourself, but that’s you. I, on the other hand, am stuck, there’s nothing I can do about my life, I’m just going to stay right where I’m at, regardless of my misery”…aka Comfortable Hell.

So, there’s this concept I’ve been reading about lately called “learned helplessness.” The site, positivepsychology.com, defines it as follows:

“Learned helplessness is a phenomenon observed in both humans and other animals when they have been conditioned to expect pain, suffering, or discomfort without a way to escape it (Cherry, 2017). Eventually, after enough conditioning, the animal will stop trying to avoid the pain at all—even if there is an opportunity to truly escape it.”

This concept is broken down even further to “personal” and “universal” helplessness. Basically, “universal” is when a person believes there is no hope of escape available, anywhere. “Personal” helplessness is where the individual believes other people have the means to escape, however, it is only they that do not.

This, THIS is what I’m talking about! Somehow, we’ve convinced ourselves that escaping from Comfortable Hell belongs to other people. Hear me tell you… IT BELONGS TO YOU!

I was that very person who was conditioned at a very young age to be powerless and just roll with the punches because it’s futile to even speak up. That’s the only possible explanation I have for staying so long in hell – putting up with such horrendous treatment, and being fake-happy when I always had to face the music that played inside my home eventually.

There is no real escape from that underlying unhappiness that shows up when you lay down for bed. You WILL have to deal with it at some point, the Universe is not giving anyone a break, anymore – have you noticed that?

Everything is coming at us so fast, including more and more opportunities to do what you NEVER thought you could do – make those tough changes that only “other” people are strong enough to make.

Well, I am living proof that change for only “other people” is nonsense and I am going to help you get out of Comfortable Hell.

Sarah Saxby

comfortablehell.com

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Where Is Your Skinny Cow?

Sarah Saxby — Wed, 09 Nov 2022 10:00:58 +0000

There’s a story that the Kabbalists’ teach about staying small. What they mean by staying small is all of those places where we settle, where we ignore red flags and sort of just function at a mediocre level because it would actually take effort (and a whole lot of certainty) to make a change.

This is pretty much what I mean by “Comfortable Hell.” You all know what that is, I really don’t need to elaborate.

Anyway, the story about staying small is called “The Skinny Cow.” I know I’m probably going to mess up some of the story, so no judgment from anyone that knows exactly how it flows. I promise the understanding behind it will still be the same.

It goes something like this:

A man and his family live a very meager existence in a small village. Their only means of income is a very skinny cow that provides just enough milk for them to sell every week in the town square. The money buys the man and his family enough food to survive and that’s it, nothing more.

Every week is exactly the same until one day a great sage and his students visit the village and stop by the man’s home, in hopes of finding dinner.

Without any hesitation, the man allows the sage and his students to come in to eat, as this is a great honor. The family hurries to prepare all of the food they have in the house and they graciously serve their guests.

An hour later, every ounce of food is gone and so are their guests. The family sits and stares at each other, all thinking the same thing… now what do we do?

They quickly gather up any items they have around their home to sell, which is barely anything. They head to the square and sell these items to buy enough food to survive the next few days.

Tomorrow arrives and to their surprise, the sage and his students are at the door again, asking for dinner. The family welcomes them in and quickly prepares all of the food they have. There is no way they would ever turn away such righteous souls.

They had to have faith and stay certain that they would somehow, some way be taken care of, not only because of their obvious generosity but also due to their going outside of their comfort zone and giving without a second thought.

Again, tomorrow comes and there’s a knock at the door. It’s the sage and his students and they are hungry. In a hurry, the man runs to get his skinny cow and heads to the village to sell it. It’s all he had, but he needed to feed his very righteous guests.

He sells the cow, uses all the money to buy food, and heads home so he and his family can, once again, serve their guests. An hour later, the family sits alone, this time, without any food or any possibility of buying any in the future.

Their only source of income was gone. The man finally loses it and heads out the door and runs into the woods. Once in the woods, he starts screaming “what more can I do? I trusted and gave without any thought of myself, and now what?”

Just then, he noticed a map on the floor of the forest. It was a treasure map! Without delay, he followed the directions to the “X” and to his absolute surprise, there was a chest full of millions!

Flash forward 10 years, the man and his family were riding on a grand carriage through the village and spotted the great sage they once served. The sage looked up at the man and smiled.

The learning behind this wonderful story is all about those things that we hold onto so tightly, but they keep us living in such a mediocre state. It’s almost as if we’re not even aware of it.

It’s kinda like someone asking you if you’re tired. You’re like “you know, I’m not even sure anymore because this is just how I feel every day. What does being energetic and happy even feel like, anyway?” Who the hell knows, we’re all settling for comfortable hell.

Nonetheless, the man in this story got rid of the only thing that was holding him back from the abundance that was waiting for him all along, he just had to trust that there WAS indeed more out there.

For so long he was clinging to merely survival, he wasn’t thriving, but didn’t even realize how bad it was, how little he settled for. The sage provided an opportunity. The man could have turned him away and remained “safe” in his little home, scraping to get by, living every day in exactly the same way, but he didn’t.

He took that opportunity and changed his entire life. It was the hardest thing he ever did, but wouldn’t the absolute day-to-day agony of staying small be WAY harder? We don’t even know we’re in hell until we finally escape it.

I assure you the opportunities are always there and they will continue to be there, it’s up to you to finally do something different when they arrive. It’s like we have to act in a way where we barely recognize ourselves. It only hurts for a minute (rather than a lifetime) and the other side is truly heaven.

So where is your skinny cow?

Sarah Saxby

comfortablehell.com

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Life Is a Team Effort, So Is Healing From Trauma

Sarah Saxby — Sat, 22 Oct 2022 10:00:33 +0000

Not only did I not expect or consider the hell of healing from trauma, I had no idea that I had even experienced it in the first place. I seem to be a silent sufferer and I’m not entirely sure why.

I feel like part of me lives a traumatic existence as a normal way of life, it’s very familiar, so there’s a huge lack of awareness there. The other part of me doesn’t want to burden anyone with my problems.

It’s almost like I can’t imagine why anyone would even care anyway. Everyone has their own shit going on, I don’t want to add to it.

It’s ridiculous because people DO care and they want to help, I just never allow myself to ask for it.

Does that imply weakness? Am I afraid that someone will reject me if I reach out for support?

Keeping quiet really opens the door for abuse now, doesn’t it? I mean, I imagine that people that have a voice, use it to speak up, and aren’t afraid of confrontation are very tough to victimize.

I am getting there.

Something I have learned about myself, however, is that I have lived a life without a voice. Pile it on, say and do whatever you want to me. I will take it and not say a word. Your secret is safe with me.

I guess you can say that a lot, if not all, of my suffering, stems from not having a voice to speak. I can see the little 8-year-old girl, living on the battlefield referred to as “home“, staying quiet AT ALL COSTS to keep the bullets from whizzing by her head.

If she speaks, she will die. Speaking up is way more dangerous than being physically, psychologically, or emotionally beaten. Using her voice equals, what feels like, death.

I can imagine that for people who know me, my saying I have no voice may be a bit confusing because I actually have a loud one, in many situations, I get that. The voice I’m referring to is the one that completely disappears when my poorly formed boundaries are being destroyed.

I was raised to believe that intrusion is acceptable – the intrusion of my feelings, my needs, my body, and my property and sticking up for those things is dangerous.

Flash forward to today, I am free now, but I haven’t yet experienced freedom. I have many friends that have said to me “OMG, you must feel SO wonderful, isn’t it amazing to be free?”

I still have not said “yes” to that question.

I have everything, including hope and happiness, but there’s something inside of me that still hasn’t opened up to truly see all of the blessings that have manifested. Let me rephrase that, WHAT “I” HAVE MANIFESTED!

Why am I not feeling this “freedom” that so many people are referring to and expecting me to be living by now?

Instead, I have severe pain and numbness in my neck, back, and arms. My face gets flushed and I feel like I am boiling inside my body.

My heart races for hours and I feel like I don’t want to breathe. I wake up in the middle of the night and within minutes, I am panicking and shaking.

When I try to go back to sleep, I get what I call “surges” every time my body attempts to relax. These surges wake me up as if I’m in the middle of a warzone and need to start running for my life. It happens at least 10 times during the night.

My fight or flight response is in overdrive, kinda like what I would think Katniss Everdeen experienced after being in the arena.

I had a 7-hour panic attack last week and finally raised the white flag.

I called several people who were more than willing to do whatever it took to make sure I was ok. Thank you, my two L’s, for being there for me, without question, or an ounce of hesitation.

I spent several hours in the ER with skyrocketing blood pressure and an abnormal EKG. I couldn’t stop voluntarily making my arms and legs shake because, if I did, I would feel my insides shaking, which was 10 times more unbearable.

THIS is what FREEDOM feels like for me right now.

For a while, I have been trying to heal in silence as if I could do it all alone.

No one should have to heal alone, nor are we expected to do that. Whether we realize it yet or not, we’re all here to help each other and no one should EVER be afraid to ask another for help.

When I sit down to blog, be certain, I cry, I scream, I shake, and there is a constant buzzing in my ears that won’t go away. I have anger and rage, so much some days that it would be nice to just collapse into my bed, but I have not been able to do that because my system cannot rest right now.

It is not aware that it is no longer in danger, it needs to be retrained. It needs to be appreciated for working so well and doing what it’s made to do, but it no longer needs to be on high alert.

I have reached out to fellow healers that are listening, validating, and loving me through this process. They are reassuring me that, although there’s a lot of work to be done, I am on the right path.

Writing, crying, reaching out for help, and allowing myself to be vulnerable are the paths of healing for me.

Although I didn’t put a name to what was happening to me until recently, I realize that without other people, I would still be suffering in silence.

Just like life is a total team effort if we’re going to thrive, so is healing from trauma.

Sarah Saxby

comfortablehell.com

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Sometimes Support and Kindness Show Up When You Least Expect It

Sarah Saxby — Wed, 19 Oct 2022 10:00:25 +0000

I’m not entirely sure why I decided to alienate myself from all of my friends during my relationship with Robert Stevens, but I sure did.

He didn’t think it was appropriate to share the details of our relationship, particularly the sex part, with my friends. He would always get angry when I would challenge him with something like “why don’t you ask your male friends if they get laid 4 times a week?”

He would tell me that I should not compare our relationship with anyone else’s because we are different, he has different needs. But he would also say that he’s sure that they did, yes. This was really a very small piece of the puzzle when it came to me giving up my friendships, but it’s significant.

It was all part of the slow and methodical process of me, essentially losing everything that is me. Talking to friends became too difficult, it caused problems. And besides, something inside of me knew that if I shared any of the things I was going through, they would have held me accountable, and surely, they would have followed up with me DAILY until I got the hell out of that situation (damn those good friends!).

I didn’t tell my friends because I was too embarrassed to admit that I, of all people, was living my biggest lie, to date. Not only was I too afraid to rock the boat in that environment, I sure as shit wasn’t ready to make any drastic moves.

But you know, I totally could have told my friends what was happening. No judgment and they would have helped. Basically, because they are “those” friends. You know, the ones that would grab a shovel at 3 am with zero need for an explanation?

I would do anything to get back the time that I lost with them over the years. I sacrificed those amazing souls for the “safety” of my familiar ego. Fortunately for me, they have shown back up in my life again in so many ways and the words “blessed” and “grateful” pale in comparison to how I really feel and I’m not sure I could ever relay to them how important and special they all are.

You all know who you are and I love you, tribe.

However, I didn’t sit down to write this blog about my amazing friends, but actually to acknowledge where love showed up when I wasn’t expecting it.

Now when you’re dating a narcissist, if your stock goes up, then theirs goes down. What I mean is that you can better yourself ONLY if it in some way benefits them. If you advance, they feel inferior. It’s like there’s not enough abundance to go around.

Any sort of self-improvement is frowned upon and there may even be some manipulation to get that improvement to stop. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it’s like a snake, but it exists. For me, I was in a place where I just gave up. The fight was too hard – whether it was the money I didn’t seem to have, the places I wasn’t “allowed” to go to (like to the bank by myself), the incessant hovering, or even the hacking into my social media.

I mean, shit, if I wanted to buy moisturizer for my damn face, I had to use my Health Savings Account. (And yes, I am dead serious about that). So, rather than care about myself, I just gave up. But I hated it. I missed the old me who cared about how I looked and how I felt… so I decided to start running – like with my legs. ME, running! I was the one with the 0.0 bumper sticker and proud of it!

Now, as you can imagine, this newfound activity was met with resistance by Robert. He said to me “Why do you want to run? It’s not good for your back and you’re not built to run anyway”. Looking back, I’m not sure why I let that bother me but I’ve had many a therapist tell me that I was looking for validation from him.

The fact that he wasn’t excited for me, or at the very least, supportive of his partner taking on this new endeavor is beyond me. I allowed that comment to hurt me more deeply than it should have, but allow me to introduce to you someone that unexpectedly turned that around for me and gave me hope.

We will call him Grandpa Bernie. Grandpa Bernie was my neighbor and I would say he was probably in his 70s. He’s retired but stays quite active, he also volunteers every week at the animal shelter. He’s the sweetest person and I always felt that he could somehow sense my sadness.

Whenever I would see him, he would always ask me how I was doing, but never just once, it was always followed up with a “are you sure?” Nonetheless, one very early and cold morning I went for a run in the neighborhood and saw Bernie across the street. I could tell he was saying something to me so I took my earbuds out and asked him to repeat whatever it was.

I have to say that what he said to me made me cry, but not just cry, I mean, once I was out of his sight I sat down on the ground and cried like a baby. It was so incredibly special and the most sincere comment I’ve heard in years.

What he said to me was “I am so proud of you.” He didn’t have to tell me that. He wasn’t concerned that I was somehow becoming “better” than him. He wasn’t jealous of me. He didn’t expect anything in return. He was just… proud of me.

That was a pretty big turning point for me in many ways, you know why? Because I want AND DESERVE a partner just like that! I want someone that is going to look at me and say “that’s my girl and I am proud of her,” period.

Grandpa Bernie proved to me that authentic, sincere people do exist, and no, they’re not all in their 70s, stay positive! Bernie may never know the power of his support and kindness and how big of a part that played in my awareness and awakening – but just know that it can and will show up when you least expect it.

Sarah Saxby

comfortablehell.com

The post Sometimes Support and Kindness Show Up When You Least Expect It appeared first on Comfortable Hell.

I Wasn’t Ready for Healthy

Sarah Saxby — Sat, 24 Sep 2022 10:00:25 +0000

Up until this point in my life, I realize that I have only really been “comfortable” in abusive relationships. They are hell, but at least they are familiar, so there’s that.

In my past, the universe would always sprinkle in a few healthier guys just to see what I would do, see if I’d take the bait. Oh, I’d take the bait, but quickly throw it back into the ocean because they just didn’t want or “need” me the way that I was used to.

If they weren’t completely throwing themselves at me the very first week of dating, I assumed they weren’t interested, so I’d play this stupid game where I wasn’t available and pretend I was totally aloof.

Let’s take the guy my daughters’ refer to as The DILF.

I honestly can’t blame them for calling him that because this guy was and will always be a perfect specimen. He looks like he should be in a biology book where people are studying perfect bone and skeleton structures. I really outdid myself back then and will give myself a well-deserved pat on the back for that one.

I’m not completely convinced that even HE knew how beautiful he was. Because we lived kinda far from each other, he asked me if he would be able to shower at my place before our first date. I’m like, “ummmm, ok.” I have NO idea why he walked out of the bathroom with only his towel on (I’m pretty sure I went into an unconscious state as soon as the door opened), but he did, and that will forever be engrained in my mind as a wonderful memory.

Now, this guy was not only amazing looking, he was also very sweet and caring. He was driven and had real plans for his career and future. He had his own place and drove his own car (crazy, right?). We connected on a spiritual level and shared books and bits of wisdom with each other when we were together. I remember that there was a very deep and meaningful poem that we would always read to each other.

For all intents and purposes, this had the makings of a very healthy partnership, but there was one issue – he just got out of a long-term relationship. Keep in mind, he’s NORMAL! So, one of the very first things he told me when we met was that he just wasn’t quite ready to commit himself to anyone. He said that his previous relationship was special and it really broke his heart, so he just wasn’t looking for anything serious at this time.

Now, a healthy person would really appreciate that and just kinda go with the flow, see what happens. Well, not ME, because I relate to drama, torture, and abuse. So, what do I do? I start with the attitude of “well, I’ll show him!” “I’m not good enough for a relationship with him now? We’ll see about that.”

I start playing hard to get, not answering calls, acting like I’m so busy and unavailable. I mean, this is someone that I REALLY like and has been so incredibly sweet and honest to me! WTF?

I don’t remember all of the details around the next 6 months or so, but I know I tortured myself, most likely because I wasn’t getting tortured by him. I know we kept in touch and went out here and there, but in my head, I was playing a game. A game he knew nothing about.

Flash forward, I’m at my friend’s wedding and I decided to ask him if he wants to be my date. He doesn’t answer me right away, he said that he would think about it. That’s not a good look for me because I immediately take that as “I’m not good enough” and start getting an attitude about it.

Really, all he wanted to do was organize a few details on his end before making a decision, you know, because he has a life outside of me (how dare he). However, to me, the delay is stirring up feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and powerlessness. The only thing running through my head is how I could never be as good as his ex, I’m not good enough for someone so perfect, and I will lose in the end, anyway.

Well, a few days later he calls me and says “I’d like to go to your friend’s wedding and I’d also like to invite you to dinner with my parents. We are going to celebrate my graduation and I’d like you to be a part of it.”

It was everything I’d been waiting to hear. My response to this is more difficult to write than I thought, as I sit here and shake my head. You know what I said to him?

“How dare you treat me the way that you have and expect me to just be your girlfriend now. Do you have any idea how much I put up with all these months and now you just want to make a commitment?”

Yep, that’s what I said. I think we call this “self-sabotage.”

Again, because he’s a normal person, he cut all ties with me. He wouldn’t even respond to my apologies by phone and email. He had boundaries that he respected and he wasn’t going to let anyone cross them.

So, to the DILF, thank you for teaching me boundaries, although I didn’t realize it then. I would say sorry for being such an idiot, but I’m being kind to myself. I just wasn’t strong enough yet and had to go through more learning experiences. I get it now.

Sarah Saxby

comfortablehell.com

The post I Wasn’t Ready for Healthy appeared first on Comfortable Hell.

YOU Need to Change So Things Will Get Better

Sarah Saxby — Fri, 26 Aug 2022 08:00:37 +0000

Growing up I was constantly trying to balance and keep harmony in my environment. For whatever reason, I thought that I could if I adjusted my behavior accordingly.

I couldn’t just be myself for fear of upsetting someone. If I upset someone, I would be subject to their reaction. This was my biggest fear. Well, I still carry that flawed belief with me today, so let’s say it still is a big fear of mine.

Basically, I would be whatever I needed to be and act however I needed to act to keep the equilibrium around me. My childhood home was indeed a bit of a battleground. There were a lot of emotions, a lot of anger, there was depression, and unhappiness.

Don’t get me wrong, there were good times, and I plan on sharing those, too, but understand that when people are unhappy and depressed, that tends to lead to anger and short fuses.

Well, that’s what it looked like when I was growing up.

The belief that I had to somehow change, be it within myself or my outside behavior, to make other people happy really taught me that I was not good enough just as I was. It makes me sad because as I think of myself back then, I was so creative, smart, and strong.

How could any child not be perfect just the way they are?

So how does that show up for me today? I will say that the majority of my longer-term relationships, at least 4 of them, have brought this issue out in me. I have literally heard the words “YOU need to change so things will get better.”

And guess what?

I truly believe that I have to change to make things better. It’s all on me, everyone else is perfect.

In the past I actually prayed that I would be diagnosed with some sort of psychological disorder so that I could, one, put a name to my issue, and two, fix it! If it didn’t have a name, I couldn’t work on fixing it.

I realize that I carried the burden of all problems within my relationships. If I could get “better” then all will be well. I can see how easy that made things for my partners.

But if you look at it through a different lens, I also took away a growth process for them. Because I always try to “fix” things, I wasn’t allowing the other person to go through their own process and transform.

Here, allow me to change my behavior, work on getting “better,” and run myself into the ground so everyone will be ok.

Recently, I was talking with my three teenagers about needing help from them, basically saying that I can’t do everything around the house myself. That is acceptable, for sure.

However, it turned into me crying, telling them that I cannot keep holding everyone up by myself.

My son looked at me and said “who asked you to do that?”

And so, my journey of healing and seeing my own garbage for what it really is, begins.

Sarah Saxby

comfortablehell.com

The post YOU Need to Change So Things Will Get Better appeared first on Comfortable Hell.