parenting Archives - Comfortable Hell https://comfortablehell.com/tag/parenting/ Personal blog Mon, 19 Sep 2022 12:54:04 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.8.1 I Knew He Loved Me, Although He Couldn’t Say It https://comfortablehell.com/he-loved-me/ https://comfortablehell.com/he-loved-me/#respond Sat, 03 Sep 2022 13:16:44 +0000 https://comfortablehell.com/?p=921 Thinking back, I really did know that he loved me - probably more than he was able to deal with. I believe he loved all of us so much that he didn’t know how to handle it, and in turn, express it.

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I never really thought it was weird that my dad never told me he loved me. I mean, to me it was what it was. My mom said it all the time, but my dad, never.

Thinking back, I really did know that he loved me – probably more than he was able to deal with.  I believe he loved all of us so much that he didn’t know how to handle it, and in turn, express it. I wish I knew a bit more about his upbringing, but he never really talked much about it… just that his mom died when he was 4 years old.

He and his next oldest brother went to go live with another couple at some point in their childhood. As an adult, I decided to ask him about this move to Indiana to stay with whom he referred to as “aunt & uncle.” I wanted to help him talk and work some things out, if at all possible.

When he told me that his dad went to prison, it wasn’t easy to refrain from my shock, but I managed. I’m pretty sure that, being as young as he was when it happened, he either pushed the situation way down so as not to feel it, or he simply did not know enough to comprehend what really went down back then.

I don’t think anyone can quite understand what he dealt with as a child, but when he met my mom, he believed he was saved by an angel. She was his everything, that’s for sure. Mom was a powerhouse, but I could tell that she tip-toed around him a bit and didn’t do anything to rock that proverbial boat (like someone else I know).

dad carrying his two kids while following his son in an open field, representing the article 'I Knew He Loved Me, Although He Couldn't Say It" by Comfortable Hell

When I was young, I asked my mom why she didn’t have any friends. She told me that she did have a friend once, back in high school. I thought that was so interesting because my whole world revolved around friends. My brother and sister were so much older than me and were not around all the time, I really valued my friendships.

So, mom shared with me that my dad didn’t want her going out and having any friends. So, she fell in line with that, probably because it was easier than to upset him.  I could tell that she would put on a brave face and pretend that it was all ok, but she was such a fun and energetic person.

She absolutely loved going places and talking to people. Everyone adored her and her infectious energy. To keep her from friendships and connections with other people was probably such an incredible blow to who she really was. I honestly don’t know what prompted me to say this to my mom years ago, but I said to her “you haven’t ever really been happy, have you?”

That may have been the first time I ever saw my mom cry. And boy, did she. She was so stuck. As a twenty-something, I didn’t really understand being “stuck” anywhere, in any situation. I would always tell her, ”Mom, just go out!  What’s the worst thing that can happen?”

I looked at my mom as being so self-sufficient, a hard worker, very independent.  I couldn’t grasp why she just didn’t stand up for herself. This was my role model. Such an amazing, strong, and beautiful person, but essentially paralyzed from sticking up for herself, self-expressing, setting boundaries, and living a vibrant life, true to her soul.

Now things are becoming clear to me, as that apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Both my parents taught me strength in the way they knew how. I know my dad thought that I was unique, incredibly independent, and able to be a success at anything and everything I decided to do.

He said to me once “when you put your mind to something, you literally just make it happen.” He’s right, I do, but I still have a bit of an uphill battle to contend with on the other side, that part of me that just endures the pain to keep the peace.

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]]> https://comfortablehell.com/he-loved-me/feed/ 0 Out of the Mouths of Babes https://comfortablehell.com/out-of-the-mouths-of-babes/ https://comfortablehell.com/out-of-the-mouths-of-babes/#respond Fri, 02 Sep 2022 07:13:34 +0000 https://comfortablehell.com/?p=885 I told him that the last thing in the world I ever want to do is to teach my children that being miserable in a relationship is okay. My son’s response was nothing short of brilliant, he looked at me and said “and yet, that’s exactly what you are doing.”

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It wasn’t easy making my last and, God willing, final break from Comfortable Hell. For the most part, I had to get speed-slapped by a few people before I actually woke up. You see, when you are living this way for so long, you consider it normal, right?

You don’t even realize… mostly because you alienate yourself from people that actually care about you. The people that would kick you in the ass and ask you “what in the hell are you doing?”

Those are the people that would open your eyeballs, so it’s easier to just stay away from them. Well, that’s what I did anyway for many years. I just stopped talking to friends because the resistance was too much to handle. Just talking on the phone with a friend became a struggle.

I couldn’t talk in private.  If I actually did, I would get interrogated afterward. I had zero privacy, I was not an individual anymore. I was on this earth to be of service and meet the needs of my partner.

I remember so vividly the day I finally left. I was doing the last load of laundry that I would ever do in that home. I kept letting items of clothing fall on the ground so it took me way longer to finish.

It was like a dream, so surreal, yet bittersweet. I was dreaming of freedom and so incredibly excited to experience it, however, I was leaving everything I loved so much. Ugh, my home, the neighborhood, friends.

It was so heartbreaking to think of uprooting my kids and leaving what I had built. But the alternative was to turn yet another blind eye and keep living in torture.

Now what lead up to this prison break, you may wonder? Well, I can tell you that if it wasn’t for my son, I may still be there, unaware of the hell I never really needed to endure but didn’t know any better.

He is such an amazing and inspirational soul…and he loves me. But like for real, the real kind of love, not the unhealthy, dysfunctional garbage. The “I will only support you if it benefits me in some way” kind of bullshit.

My son waited for the right moment for the much-needed speed-slap.  He said to me “mom, what in the world are you doing?” And that, my friends, was the beginning of the real end. He said to me, “if you’re hanging on because of me and my sisters, please don’t.”

I told him that the last thing in the world I ever want to do is to teach my children that being miserable in a relationship is okay.  My son’s response was nothing short of brilliant, he looked at me and said “and yet, that’s exactly what you are doing.”

Why in the world did I put up with this? It’s not ok, not for one minute, to live a life of anger, sadness, bitterness, and dread…your kids are watching! Although I’m still working through so much and learning a lot about myself, I am free now.

This blog is my healing and I look forward to sharing much, much more about all that I have learned through this process.

If I don’t share it, what was the purpose?  Bottom line, I am being kind to myself during this phase, learning to love and respect ME!  I am worth it!!

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