I never really thought it was weird that my dad never told me he loved me. I mean, to me it was what it was. My mom said it all the time, but my dad, never.
Thinking back, I really did know that he loved me – probably more than he was able to deal with. I believe he loved all of us so much that he didn’t know how to handle it, and in turn, express it. I wish I knew a bit more about his upbringing, but he never really talked much about it… just that his mom died when he was 4 years old.
He and his next oldest brother went to go live with another couple at some point in their childhood. As an adult, I decided to ask him about this move to Indiana to stay with whom he referred to as “aunt & uncle.” I wanted to help him talk and work some things out, if at all possible.
When he told me that his dad went to prison, it wasn’t easy to refrain from my shock, but I managed. I’m pretty sure that, being as young as he was when it happened, he either pushed the situation way down so as not to feel it, or he simply did not know enough to comprehend what really went down back then.
I don’t think anyone can quite understand what he dealt with as a child, but when he met my mom, he believed he was saved by an angel. She was his everything, that’s for sure. Mom was a powerhouse, but I could tell that she tip-toed around him a bit and didn’t do anything to rock that proverbial boat (like someone else I know).
When I was young, I asked my mom why she didn’t have any friends. She told me that she did have a friend once, back in high school. I thought that was so interesting because my whole world revolved around friends. My brother and sister were so much older than me and were not around all the time, I really valued my friendships.
So, mom shared with me that my dad didn’t want her going out and having any friends. So, she fell in line with that, probably because it was easier than to upset him. I could tell that she would put on a brave face and pretend that it was all ok, but she was such a fun and energetic person.
She absolutely loved going places and talking to people. Everyone adored her and her infectious energy. To keep her from friendships and connections with other people was probably such an incredible blow to who she really was. I honestly don’t know what prompted me to say this to my mom years ago, but I said to her “you haven’t ever really been happy, have you?”
That may have been the first time I ever saw my mom cry. And boy, did she. She was so stuck. As a twenty-something, I didn’t really understand being “stuck” anywhere, in any situation. I would always tell her, ”Mom, just go out! What’s the worst thing that can happen?”
I looked at my mom as being so self-sufficient, a hard worker, very independent. I couldn’t grasp why she just didn’t stand up for herself. This was my role model. Such an amazing, strong, and beautiful person, but essentially paralyzed from sticking up for herself, self-expressing, setting boundaries, and living a vibrant life, true to her soul.
Now things are becoming clear to me, as that apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Both my parents taught me strength in the way they knew how. I know my dad thought that I was unique, incredibly independent, and able to be a success at anything and everything I decided to do.
He said to me once “when you put your mind to something, you literally just make it happen.” He’s right, I do, but I still have a bit of an uphill battle to contend with on the other side, that part of me that just endures the pain to keep the peace.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
