How Do You Feel About You?

I’ve taken a little bit of a break from writing, but I think that needs to happen sometimes. Writing this blog has been hard work and emotionally taxing, but at the same time it has been somewhat cleansing. Within this most recent break amazing things have happened, my reality has shifted. I wouldn’t say things have gotten easier, but for sure they have gotten clearer. My understanding has deepened and my consciousness has expanded.

I’ve spent quite some time talking about what I’ve “endured” in my past, and through my writing, getting out the anger that I’ve been accumulating over the years. This has subsequently taught me how to feel and face emotions I never, ever thought I would touch. I have allowed people that I believed to be friends or trustworthy to do whatever they want to me with zero consequences. I never had the courage to call it out when it was happening to me, although I knew it was.

Those emotions, the fears that get poked when standing up for myself or calling out someone’s abuse, those are the ones that I keep inside two suitcases, one in each hand. I carry these suitcases from one situation to another like a pack mule whose only job is to get from one place to another with a bunch of worthless junk strapped to them that serves zero purposes. I grip these emotional treasure chests so tightly, certain to never accidentally spill them and cause me to feel what’s inside, or even worse, cause someone else to feel them at my expense.

Today, I’m a bit of what I can only describe as a runaway freight train, forcing people to feel the emotions that I, unbeknownst to them, carried for many, many years. For me it was like, if you feel bad, then I will feel worse, so allow me to ignore the reality of the situation in hopes to avoid what I’ve packed in those suitcases. I can take it, you cannot, so go ahead and lie, betray, control, steal, and manipulate. I will continue to pseudo-love you and exhaust every ounce of my soul so you won’t be tempted to open that fear luggage of mine.

Flash forward and I have now decided to hold people accountable for everything I’ve let slide under the table in hopes to avoid truly feeling the fear. Conversely, if I am also to be held accountable for past wrongdoing, the same rules apply – feel the fear!

Things are so different today, and I’m not talking only about me, things are way different for everyone. Time is moving so fast and situations are condensed. Nothing is dragged out for years anymore. Something happens and boom, it’s a blip on a screen.

Feelings are so intense, by design. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. Physical things are no longer the cause of our happiness, it’s quite the opposite. We have to feel good first, then the corresponding beauty appears before our eyes.

Everything that happens now is between you and you. Everything is about your feelings and what you’re willing to face. Our ONLY option is to let go of those suitcases, let them break open, let them explode. Feel the uneasiness, the awkwardness, the cringe, it’s OK!

How do you feel about you? The answer should always be “free.”