Does Control Really Reduce Anxiety?

I heard someone say recently that the reason people control is to reduce anxiety. It seems like a pretty obvious concept, but to me it was a very new way of looking at it.

We control people and/or situations to reduce that dreaded feeling of anxiousness.

The more restrictions we place on others, the more we monitor and hover, the more we force desired outcomes, we just might be able to rest our heads at night until we open our eyes in the morning and continue to plan out every minute detail of the upcoming day, because if we don’t……what? What will happen exactly?

This takes me back to my most recent relationship dynamic.

I have mentioned in previous blogs that I was “owned“, I was an extension of him.

He controlled the finances and how money was spent. He reviewed the phone bill every month and the numbers coming in and out of my phone. He controlled where I went, either by showing up or using guilt to get himself invited to wherever I wanted to go. He followed me to work. He demanded that I talk to him to and from work and during my entire lunch. He hacked my social media. He listened to phone conversations.

When he felt he was losing control, he would yell or demand. You could feel his anxiety building as the reins got tighter. The unimaginable fear he must have felt. Like living death, I would imagine. How hard must that have been to 100% orchestrate the life of another person? The energy that had to have taken and like I said in the beginning, for what?

What would happen if I went out with friends? What would happen if I went to the bank by myself? What would happen if I had 4 unknown numbers on my phone? Well, it must be death, because what else is there?

With that said, being a life-long student of the Kabbalah Centre, I know all too well that what you see in others, you possess, as well.

So where are the places that I control to avoid those horrible feelings?

Well let’s see… I control my behavior, as to not upset those around me. If I carefully survey the room, and those in it, so I can pick up on their feelings, I will act accordingly, mitigating my behavior to reduce any sort of possible tension.

I control conversations in a way where I cannot, under any circumstances, allow someone else in my presence to say something stupid. Oh, and if they do, I make up for it. I laugh and joke so the other person doesn’t get confronted in my presence.

I realize I only do this to protect myself. It’s not about protecting the other person – it’s about protecting ME!

So here we are, self-protection.

Control, at all costs, to avoid anxiety, to avoid what feels like death.

It’s inside of me as much as anyone else, but for me, I vow to change.

My only option to uproot this insane control/anxiety cycle is to breathe through it, center myself, and stand in the face of it. Yes, it hurts, but only for a few seconds, because on the other side of that challenge is absolute freedom and paradise.

For the first 50 years of my life, I have been accepting endless hurt. I was playing this ridiculous game of tiptoeing around so everything fell into place exactly as I thought it should, but it NEVER felt good. It was exhausting, to put it lightly.

All I ever really had to do was stand and watch the situation move through me, with possibly three seconds of agony, as opposed to a lifetime of it.

So, does control REALLY reduce anxiety at the end of the day?

It does not, so I accept the upcoming challenges, as I move closer to my true paradise, free from the chains of control.