For anyone that has been in an abusive relationship, I’m sure that we would easily be able to sit and share strikingly similar stories about how our relationships looked – how they started, the ways we were slowly conditioned to believe that we are the problem, etc.
Two things that really stand out to me when I think about a past relationship are:
First, how he wanted to completely, 100% erase ANY memory that I had prior to meeting him. I will never understand how my past was a threat, but I can tell you that I didn’t speak about it for so long. And by my past, I mean any of it, even regarding girlfriends and family. I wouldn’t dare, as I would pay the price, my entire day would be ruined. I would need to think fast and correct my bad behavior so we could move on and have a decent day. He told me once that I should NEVER even be thinking about anyone from my past, you know because it’s not right. “You’re in a relationship now, you don’t do those things.”
The second little gem that showed up in this relationship is how my intelligence was literally insulted so frequently. I suppose the insulting of intelligence goes hand in hand with the conditioning over time, aka gaslighting. When you are told something over and over, you start to believe it. You start making excuses and try to figure out how you yourself can do better and change.
When I think back, some of the things are so incredibly insane, I just shake my head as to why I just let it slide. My plan is to write about a lot of these insults because, you know, there are a lot of people in my life that are so shocked that I – Sarah – would ever be a person to be taken advantage of, to allow abuse, to live any other way than a life of strength and inspiration.
Yep, me, the woman responsible for helping so many other women see the truth and break free from bondage. I need to talk about this for me and you, because it happens in stealth mode to the very best of us. We need to know that we’re not alone, we’re not stupid or weak, we just couldn’t see the relationship for what it was and we didn’t have the voice to speak. It takes time, courage, and the help of friends to open our eyeballs.
Allow me to share an example that will surely make you feel better about yourself.
In a previous relationship, one of the things that made my partner very nervous was music. What I mean by that was he was absolutely terrified that I would hear a song that may evoke memories of my past, like an old boyfriend or a past experience he was not a part of. I was told that it was inappropriate for me to have any thoughts of the past because I’m in a relationship now.
Well, music is a huge part of my life. My entire family was into music, which caused me to love it, too. When I was in my 20s, I traveled all over to hear DJs perform – London, Toronto, San Francisco – and collected CDs wherever I went. By the time that era was over, I believe I had close to 200 that I kept in one of those enormous CD cases. I believe mine probably weighed about 25 lbs.
The CDs did not become an issue in my relationship until I decided to put them in my car to listen to them after many, many years of sitting on a shelf in the garage. It put me in such a good mood to hear the old techno songs my friends and I loved so much. I was so happy that I made the mistake of telling my partner about it.
The look on his face when he found out I took a trip down memory lane was one of sheer horror and I knew there was going to be a problem. It’s like every word out of my mouth goes through his invisible funnel that determines how my words and actions will ultimately affect him. Flash forward about a week or so, I was in my car and I opened up a compartment in my dashboard to grab a CD from a small stack I kept in there. They were all gone.
For the first time in 11 years of having that car, my CDs in that compartment were gone. I looked in the back seat and the 25-lb CD case was not there either. I couldn’t figure it out. My car was never broken into, but why would anyone ever steal CDs anyway? They wouldn’t. When I first told my partner that they were gone, I didn’t get much of a response.
Over the weeks that followed I started to realize that this was an inside job and confronted my partner again. This time he was prepared. He told me that someone climbed into my car, through my sunroof, and stole them. I said “during the day, in a parking lot, someone climbed through my sunroof?” He said, “yes.”
So with that said, although I am completely devasted that they are gone forever, I would have to say that one of the most comical moments surrounding this incident involves a comment from one of my dearest friends, Mama Bear. When I told her the story, I will never forget how she looked at me when she said “does he think you’re stupid?” I’m so glad that I found the humor in all of this and laugh about that comment, and, of course, her corresponding look of absolute bewilderment, to this day.
To the person that so desperately wanted a 25-lb book of CDs from the 90s that they shimmied themselves through the small sunroof of my Subaru, during the day, while parked in a Target parking lot… I hope you’re enjoying Paul Oakenfold, Moby, and Carl Cox. I also have a panda bear backpack and glow sticks if you need them. Bravo.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
I had no idea. I’m sorry for the loss of the memories. I too listen and reminisce and smile. It makes me dream again. Funny what music can do. I can relate and as such must say, “thank goodness for streaming” and that they aren’t gone forever!