Growing up I was constantly trying to balance and keep harmony in my environment. For whatever reason, I thought that I could if I adjusted my behavior accordingly.
I couldn’t just be myself for fear of upsetting someone. If I upset someone, I would be subject to their reaction. This was my biggest fear. Well, I still carry that flawed belief with me today, so let’s say it still is a big fear of mine.
Basically, I would be whatever I needed to be and act however I needed to act to keep the equilibrium around me. My childhood home was indeed a bit of a battleground. There were a lot of emotions, a lot of anger, there was depression, and unhappiness.
Don’t get me wrong, there were good times, and I plan on sharing those, too, but understand that when people are unhappy and depressed, that tends to lead to anger and short fuses.
Well, that’s what it looked like when I was growing up.
The belief that I had to somehow change, be it within myself or my outside behavior, to make other people happy really taught me that I was not good enough just as I was. It makes me sad because as I think of myself back then, I was so creative, smart, and strong.
How could any child not be perfect just the way they are?
So how does that show up for me today? I will say that the majority of my longer-term relationships, at least 4 of them, have brought this issue out in me. I have literally heard the words “YOU need to change so things will get better.”
And guess what?
I truly believe that I have to change to make things better. It’s all on me, everyone else is perfect.
In the past I actually prayed that I would be diagnosed with some sort of psychological disorder so that I could, one, put a name to my issue, and two, fix it! If it didn’t have a name, I couldn’t work on fixing it.
I realize that I carried the burden of all problems within my relationships. If I could get “better” then all will be well. I can see how easy that made things for my partners.
But if you look at it through a different lens, I also took away a growth process for them. Because I always try to “fix” things, I wasn’t allowing the other person to go through their own process and transform.
Here, allow me to change my behavior, work on getting “better,” and run myself into the ground so everyone will be ok.
Recently, I was talking with my three teenagers about needing help from them, basically saying that I can’t do everything around the house myself. That is acceptable, for sure.
However, it turned into me crying, telling them that I cannot keep holding everyone up by myself.
My son looked at me and said “who asked you to do that?”
And so, my journey of healing and seeing my own garbage for what it really is, begins.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
