When I look back over the last 30+ years of my relationships, you might say I’ve been all over the board. Some might say that I have a “type.” I’m not sure. I can tell you that being in a relationship, to me, feels really heavy and controlling.
For the most part, I take responsibility for that because I completely give away my power in the beginning. I stop expressing my true self and merge into my partner – hense, my childhood with no boundaries and not knowing where “I” begin or end.
That’s all I know!
Just enmesh yourself with your partner and forget who you are. That’s my go-to move. I can say that my partners didn’t really love me, that they only wanted to control me, but for one, I gave them control. Two, I’m not sure I loved them either.
What is love, anyway? Well, I love my kids, I know that. I love hiking near lakes and how the air smells and feels. I love laughing with friends until it hurts. I love inspiring other people and watching them grow and transform. I also love my plants.
I had a relationship once, we’ll call him Goose.I can honestly say that this was the closest thing to genuine love that I ever experienced. Back in the day, my default move was to date younger guys, most likely because I was immature in a lot of ways.
Now things with Goose didn’t start off great. He didn’t trust me…like every single guy I’ve ever dated. I didn’t give him any reason not to trust me, but he didn’t.
Let’s just say along with dating younger dudes, I dated insecure ones, too. Hmmm, could it be because they made me feel wanted and “loved”? For sure. They were also easier to keep, I didn’t have to wonder if they were interested in me. Their insecurity kept them needy and right by my side.
So one day, in the first few months of dating, Goose read my diary. He told me with tears running down his face. I asked him if he found out how much I love him… and he said “yes.” He felt so bad, but my thought was that I would never be able to trust him again.
Strangely, I went to see my psychic advisor shortly thereafter and she told me to stay with him. She didn’t say why, exactly, but she was a wonderful person and had never steered me wrong, not in 10 years.
Flash forward, Goose and I managed to stay together for two years. It was so much fun, but we wanted very different things and were in very different places. Hands down, the most mature thing that I’ve ever been through in my life was about to unfold – we gave each other up to follow our dreams. We cried, talked about all the fun times we had, and then he was gone.
I had never felt so alive and fulfilled in my life. I faced the impossible! I walked away from a person that I loved, and actually got along with, so he could find the person that was more appropriate…and he did the same for me!
I felt like I advanced spiritually like 100 levels all in one day. I have to say, Goose, thank you for that. That was a truly loving act that I will always cherish. It also feels so good to be able to talk about my past. Something I haven’t been allowed to do for many years.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
