I always considered my mom to be VERY strong. She took care of absolutely everything – the house, the yard, the kids, the cooking, the finances, you name it.
My dad worked long hours as a truck driver, but that was probably by design. I don’t think he could emotionally handle a lot of things. His mom died when he was 4 and from what I understand, there were some things concerning his dad and older sister that I don’t have enough information on, so I probably shouldn’t speak about.
However, I know that my dad was extremely sensitive when it came to his dad and refused to talk to his sister. Everyone always pushed him to talk to his family and friends, but he never wanted to. I wished that they would just have left him alone. He clearly was struggling with something very deep but no one could see that like I could.
Because of the lack of boundaries in our home, I felt everything. I knew everyone’s temperature just by walking into the room. I surveyed, constantly, for my protection. I would survey everyone’s emotional status and then subsequently mitigate my behavior to try to decrease the emotional explosion of the family member, as if I had that power or responsibility.
Flash forward to today and imagine how that damages my enormous desire to be who I truly am and self-express. I cannot, for fear of upsetting someone and getting abused. And for the record, I’m not going to dumb down my experiences and use a lighter word than “abuse,” because it WAS and IS abuse.
People inflicting the abuse like to make you think you’re crazy, but I’m not having it. I digress. For clarity, the abuse I experienced was mostly emotional, verbal, and psychological – very much like what I allow in my relationships today.
Although, I do remember my brother hitting me in the head once. He hit me so hard that I fell off the chair. No one was around to help, but I remember screaming so loud. There were no repercussions for that because who would believe me?
I sometimes feel that if I actually stood up for myself, even at 8 years old, my family would have cowered. I will never know if that’s true, but it feels like that now. It was like a house of cards that I could have knocked down so easily if I knew my real power.
I’m beginning to know it now and I have so many “actors” in the movie of my life to thank for it.
I’m positive that behind the “curtain”, we are all high-fiving.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
