Our Wounds Follow Us on Vacation

As I approach the one-year anniversary of my escape from Comfortable Hell, Part 1, I’m well aware of the road still in front of me, but I’m looking through a very different frame this time around. There’s this very strange dichotomy that exists inside of me. I’m sure it’s always been there, but the difference is my current willingness to accept, allow, and ultimately engage with events in my life that will either make or break me.

In the past, I chose to turn a blind eye to anything and everything that went against my beliefs, my boundaries (as poorly built as they were), and my soul’s knowing. There’s a feeling of worthlessness that I’ve carried around all my life, and that worthlessness creates a sanctuary for abusive treatment, be it from partners, family members, friends, or co-workers – it really doesn’t matter. I felt I was of zero value inside and so I was taken advantage of, many times and in many ways.

Now the beautiful thing about the challenges I have been given is that I can see these challenges in other people, very clearly. It’s bittersweet, actually, because although I can see this wound in others and have the ability to help, that doesn’t mean others are ready to face that wound and step out of Comfortable Hell. I have so many people around me that I love so much, but they refuse to look at the REAL issues, the ones that they push down and lie to themselves about every single day of their lives.

We are all suffering greatly these days, not just emotionally, but physically. Internal suffering will eventually manifest itself physically, mark my words, and our current culture still supports the belief that the key to ending the suffering will be found externally, so we spin our wheels.

We’ve been lied to for a very long time. You see, I know now that the escape from my self-inflicted agony was on the other side of a door that was and always will be wide open. When I look back over the five-plus years before my most recent breakaway, I see myself living in a dark, monotone, and stormy environment.

It looked pretty and colorful on the outside, I made sure of that, but behind the scenes was chaos and overwhelming torture. Yet, there I sat, with my world blowing around me in a gray, destructive manner. This, this is what I accepted to live out the days of my existence. The million-dollar question here is, why?

As I sat and suffered in my whirlwind of madness, I began to notice a doorway that had a bright neon sign right above it. That sign said, “Enter: Ultimate Freedom.” That same doorway was actually given to each and every one of us at birth and never closes, it never shuts down.

What the other side looks like physically will vary from person to person. I know for me I saw the sun and beautiful mountains and lakes. There were birds, butterflies, and dragonflies. I could tell that the temperature on that side was so perfect that you couldn’t determine the difference from inside or outside your body. Every breath of the crisp air could cleanse and heal any ailments and afflictions. I could also see friends and family, all healthy and thriving, laughing and loving one another, with only unity and respect.

When I looked down this very reachable pathway, I didn’t just see freedom, I felt it internally, as external paradise can ONLY manifest from the inside out. So why was I not running toward this obvious heaven on earth? I wasn’t chained to my current situation. Well, not physically anyway.

It seems so ridiculously dumb when I look at it this way, but I was indeed powerless to walk in that direction, for many, many years. I realize now that the only thing weighing me down were suitcases of emotions, clutched in both hands, also given to me at birth.

There have been countless scenarios in my life, all divinely orchestrated, that attempted to open these suitcases, but my biggest talent is cushioning these interactions so those emotions don’t get touched. I do not want to feel, period. I have never been who I truly am, and ultimately here to be, not ever, not a day in my life. The gift of exposing the real me comes with a very expensive price tag of letting that baggage go and feeling the pain I’ve avoided for lifetimes.

Some people say they’d rather die than speak in public. For me, public speaking is a walk in the park compared to my fear of facing emotions, yet that is the ONLY thing that kept me, and still keeps me, from internal paradise. I know that I can change a variety of things in my environment, like buy a new house, date a new guy, or go on a cruise, but the wounds come with me wherever I go. Have you noticed that?

Paradise is no longer on the outside because our wounds aren’t going away when we’re on a beach vacation anymore. We just can’t seem to shake the unhappiness and unfulfilled feeling inside. Now, more than any time that has ever existed on this planet is the time to stop turning that blind eye to what we’ve ignored and swore that we would never address.

It’s like having issues with sleeping and being addicted to caffeine. We tell ourselves, “oh, I know it’s not the caffeine, it can’t be,” as we continue to sleep two hours a night and look for easier, less painful ways to deal with our sleep issues than give up the addiction that is so obviously the cause.

Only you know what your “caffeine” is and it can typically be found by answering the question “where am I lying to myself?” This is deep, my friends, and if you’re really willing to go that deep, you will shake and feel sick upon what you find. That’s when you know you’ve arrived at the most protected part of your suffering. Welcome it because you asked for it. It is the ONLY key to unlocking the chains that keep you from the true freedom you’ve been searching for all your life.