Tradeoffs Are Expensive

I was talking with my herbalist a few weeks ago and he mentioned the word “tradeoff.” In the context of our conversation, it had to do with anxiety and wine. Basically, I was going through some serious fight-or-flight days and he asked me if having a glass of wine at night helps me to relax.

Unfortunately, oftentimes wine gives me a headache, but I understood where he was going with this. When I told the herbalist about my mixed feelings toward a glass of wine, he said “when you’re healing, sometimes there have to be tradeoffs.”

In this case, if the wine was going to relax me, it was worth risking a bit of a headache because my being calm at the end of the day was currently more important for my health. This type of tradeoff made sense to me, it was in my best interest and was ultimately a stepping stone to me getting back on my emotionally strong feet.

Flash forward to today and the word “tradeoff” is coming up for me again but in a much different way. If you think about it, how significant are tradeoffs in your life and where do they show up? A little hint, we women literally make them all day long, with everything we do… and I mean EVERYTHING!

The best (actually worst) part about this is that we make a conscious decision to ignore what we’re actually trading off. We bury those self-sacrifices very deep, in a place we wish would just make them go away. The reason why I say that we make the tradeoff decisions consciously, as opposed to unconsciously, is because we are painfully aware of them.

Women are natural-born intuitives. We know what’s gonna happen WAY before it actually does, especially with our kids and/or people very close to us. There is rarely a time when we move forward without our gut FIRST giving us the truth, a sign, or better yet, a warning. But still, we live every day like we have weights tied around our ankles and, once again, begin the daily hike up the mountain that has no top.

So, to what end do we make this daily trek? When do we really think the self-sacrificing is going to pay off? When do we plan to cash in our chips for all of the tradeoffs we’ve made over the years to merely keep the status quo in our environment and, better yet, what exactly are we protecting by fighting so hard to maintain the status quo?

I remember my mom always telling me that my dad was a “good provider.” Although I was young, I could sense a person’s sadness or lack of comfort a mile away, and certainly my own mother’s. I never felt like she was internally happy or that she experienced true joy and inner peace. So, when I asked her why she was even with my dad, the only answer I ever received was that he was a “good provider.”

Translation: she sacrificed her internal happiness. She pushed down all of the things that COULD have brought her joy, like laughing with friends, going dancing, living in Montana, traveling to interesting places and meeting new people, extreme sports (yes, my mother would have jumped out of an airplane), going to social gatherings, and staying out late, and spending time around children.

She sacrificed all of these amazing things because my dad was not interested in any of them and he was the “provider.” He provided her with a small home, a car, food, clothing, and one vacation a year. At least my mom could buy a photo album and throw some pictures in there as a reminder of all she wasn’t allowed to do.

My mom stayed small so my dad could remain big (in a sense). And what was she protecting? Her fear of rocking the boat and possibly losing the “skinny cow,” the excruciatingly painful status quo, and the image of a content wife and mother she fought hard to maintain. She was raised to believe that she couldn’t make it alone, so it’s better off to have a warm body around that can change a lightbulb and pay a bill.

If I had a nickel for every woman that has recently said to me “yeah, this is just how it is for me, there’s nothing I can do about it, but it’s fine”, I would be kinda rich. WHY IS LIVING THIS WAY “FINE”???

Why not rock the boat for a shot at real pleasure, endless energy, excitement, and paradise? That is what we’re in this world to experience. But we hold on, with both hands, as tight as we can, to the pain of mediocrity, kissing our needs, desires, and dreams goodbye, while exhausting ourselves to appear Facebook-happy.

I am speaking from experience when I say that continuing to push your desires under the rug will not last, you will inevitably be forced to live them. The ONLY difference is the path you take to get there, but you will get there. The choice is ALWAYS yours, but tradeoffs will get more expensive as time goes on.