Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That’s why I stayed so long. You were an enemy and my soul knew it. I wanted to keep you near to me because I was more afraid of what you would do from a distance.
Your insecurities and insatiable need to self-protect compelled you to hover, stalk, steal, and demand, but it was I who was forced to keep you as close as I possibly could for reasons only known to me.
You see, I was way more afraid of the unknown than the known. At least the stuff that was known felt familiar and my reactions to it took little energy, they were robotic. If you could hover, stalk, steal, and make demands while we were “in love,” what would that look like if I abandoned you?
What kind of anger and revenge would awaken in the person who is, unbeknownst to you, emotionally numb? Where will you get the supply of energy that has been literally sustaining your life for years? You, the emotional vampire that’s 100% dependent on my lifeblood.
I understand that, although most likely very stressful and difficult to sustain, you enjoyed having the upper hand over me. But, how much power did I have as your lifeblood, your energy source? I had no idea.
Despite your grandiosity, deep down you hate and fear who you really are. Unfortunately, you are unable to generate your own energy or power. You are lifeless without being a virus to a host.
You know how abnormal you are, that’s why you never feel like you’re a part of anything. You always feel left out, never belonging. Although you pretend to be a part of society, you never will be because you are unaware that any of these issues exist inside of you. Your inability to see the deep-rooted issue is the biggest hoax your ego will ever play on you.
No longer my circus. Although I have taken these last few months to write down my past experiences with abuse, it has very much come from a victim’s standpoint. That’s not me, but I had to do it because I am human.
My whole purpose in airing my dirty laundry is to, God willing, let others know that it happens to the best of us. Shit REALLY sucks, but then you find your strength, your voice, your tribe, and you powerhouse the shit out of your life.
Now, I do know that even hatred gives you energy. It’s like confirmation of your power to still control me from a distance and bring me down to your level of misery.
From here on out, rather than hatred or anger, I choose indifference. You know why? Because indifference has no power, no reaction, no ability to ruin days, and thus, provides to you no lifeblood.
Thank you for being the catalyst from which I will thrive and for opening the door for the next lucky soul who will love me with love, rather than fear and logic.
Just as you discarded me when I was tired or wasn’t feeling well, I simply discard you with indifference. It’s a narcissist’s kryptonite.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
