I’ve learned a lot from my relationships, I mean, I should’ve, for God’s sake, I’ve had so many. I could either look at them in a victim sort of way or I can be thankful for the experience and grow.
Now, I know some of you may have been through really horrendous situations, which makes it so incredibly difficult to look at the experience in a spiritual way, and that’s totally cool. We’re all on a different path.
Where I’m at, I’m grateful because I know I had to go through ALL of that to get to where I’m at today. So, with that said, here’s another little gem of torture that I put up with. Now when I say “I put up with,” that basically means I had no voice. I had no voice to speak of the abuse, so I allowed it, so as to not upset anyone.
Everything I’ve done since I can remember is to keep the peace. I never wanted to upset anyone – friends, family, boyfriends, husband, whatever. I NEVER spoke up, just took whatever came at me. Until this time in my life, I never really knew all the ways that one can be abused.
Our society puts such focus on physical abuse – probably because you can actually see it with your eyeballs. But when it comes to psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse, and stuff like that – it’s way harder to prove. And sadly, the abuser is usually so slick and manipulative, that the victim may not be believed anyway and is deemed the “crazy” one.
A type of abuse that I didn’t even know existed is of the “financial” variety. I’m currently reading a book called “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare” by Shahid Arabi. When I read the “Financial Abuse” section, I was so elated to know that I wasn’t making this up in my head, it’s a real thing!
The section starts off by saying “Abusers think their money is theirs and your money is theirs, too.” I almost fell off my chair because that’s what I said for so long in one of my past relationships.
For the record, I have always worked outside my home, minus the short 3-year stint of being a stay-at-home mom when my kids were first born. I’ve always made money and supported myself, and my kids.
I was only married for 5 years and I do not receive child support (yep, another area where I had no voice), so not working is not an option for me. When I began my relationship with this partner, we will call Robert, I was just tired. I had been through the absolute ringer (whatever that means, but it fits) in every way possible.
I was exhausted, but I was also looking forward to sharing my life with someone again, someone to share the ups & downs. Well, I must have also been delirious because, for some reason, I also shared my finances – like 100% of them.
The merging started to happen over time and back then, it felt like the right thing to do. But looking back now, I realize that it was the lazy thing to do. It was like I just didn’t want to deal with any of it, so I just said “here, take my paychecks and handle it,” – kinda like a pimp.
I handed over everything I earned and, in return, I was allowed to live in the house and eat the food. That’s pretty much it. If I ever wanted to go out with friends, I didn’t have the money. If I wanted to take my kid on a soccer tournament weekend (without Robert), I didn’t have the money. If I wanted to take a class to better myself, I didn’t have the money.
Well, the money was there, it just wasn’t mine to use on me alone.
Now, if I invited Robert to go out, along with my friends – then we had plenty of money. If I invited him to take a class with me, the money miraculously showed up. For years, I lived like this.
I remember going to a store in the mall and spending over $1,000 on clothes for Robert, which was fine because, you know, it’s his money. But the odds of that happening for me were slim, unless, of course, I only wore the clothing whenever I’m with him.
I realize that this is just one of the many micro-managing control tactics that I was allowing him to do, but it’s a total mind-F because you doubt yourself. Make no mistake, I knew that I worked and made money, but for some reason, I minimized that fact.
I guess maybe because he made more money than me and I didn’t think I was worthy enough to have my own things, my own life. So, I just had to shut up and be grateful that I was able to live in such a beautiful home and not have to worry about finances.
The turning point was the day he said to me something about having to support me and my kids. I literally sat there like that GIF with that little girl, perplexed, with equations all around her. I’m like wait, I work! I make money, and enough money, too!
The only thing is, if you try to say that to someone like Robert, it won’t make a difference, they won’t see it. When this behavior is actually part of their personality, they don’t know any better. And that’s exactly what I was going through.
There was never going to be a time when he will look at me like I was a mutual partner. It didn’t matter what I said, how I said it, or how many times I said it. I was less of a person and had to fall in line according to his rules.
What’s mine is his – and that was never going to change.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
