Et Tu, Brute?

Sarah Saxby

Sarah Saxby

I'm an intuitive coach and visionary focusing on personal transformation and spiritual business coaching. I'm here to support your creative endeavors, develop holistically, and empower your highest sense of direction so you can see what you have been missing to achieve personal and collective potential.

man in the dark, featured image

The first time that I even noticed being in an abusive relationship was when I was in my 20s. If I was in one prior to that, I was not aware. Now, as I mentioned in my previous blog, for some reason, we have been conditioned to believe that the only real abuse is the physical kind. That’s certainly the most obvious, but it doesn’t mean it’s the most painful.

Emotional and psychological abuse is extremely painful, and in some cases, it may be even worse BECAUSE you can’t necessarily prove it. Even if you did, oftentimes it may get shrugged off, and/or you are made to believe it’s all in your head.

Flashback to the 90s, I am one of those people who believes abuse is only considered abuse if it’s physical. Back then I considered myself to be fairly successful. I mean, I was free, traveling all over the place. I had a great job, I lived on the lake, and drove a nice car. I had tons of friends that hung out all the time, we laughed a lot. I pretty much had everything I could ever dream of and for the most part, I can say I was really happy.

My friends and I typically frequented the same clubs on the weekends, and because of that, we saw many of the same people. At one point, my friends and I started talking to a group of people that soon became our clubbing buddies. There was a guy within that group, we will call him Caesar.

Now Caesar was not my type and I had zero interest in him romantically, but he was the absolute best! He had an infectious smile, he was VERY smart, and he always took care of everything. He never skipped a beat. If we needed water, it was there. If we needed food, it was there. It was almost unreal how thoughtful and caring he was to everyone.

It was attractive and it was attracting me. I was kinda falling for a friend, which made me happy because I really thought that would be genuine. I mean, we always hear stories about falling in love with a best friend or the boy next door or whatever.

What could possibly go wrong when you first build a friendship with someone and then fall in love? I was in a very different place in life than Caesar, but I didn’t care. I was a strong woman who would build him up and make him the man he’s meant to be!

So what if he only worked a couple of nights a week at a bar? Who cares that he drove his grandma’s car? Who cares that he couldn’t function in daily life without smoking weed first? I can fix all this!

Over time, as the relationship grew, I began to get beat down. I couldn’t make a move without him accusing me of cheating on him. He was at my apartment 24/7. If he felt slighted in ANY way, he would stop talking to me for hours upon hours.

partial image of a woman hugging a man from the back, focused on their tangled hands

All I wanted to do was to get back in his good graces, so I would do whatever I had to do, even beg him to talk to me again. I would beg to change whatever I needed to change to make things better. Everyone loved him and thought he was the greatest, so I needed him to love me, to validate me, to tell me I was worthy.

However, he never complimented me. If anything, it was a series of put-downs, whether it was how I looked or who I was as a person. It was a vicious cycle and I began to see how incredibly angry he really was. I felt like he hated me, but like really hated me. I felt that he would do anything he could to make me feel like I am a worthless human being.

And I stayed. Regardless of all of this, I stayed. I didn’t want to upset him and have him be mad at me… then everyone would hate me. All of our friends, who would believe ME? This is Caesar we’re talking about, the most funny and thoughtful guy around!

One morning a friend and I were leaving a party in Pittsburgh and we called Caesar and his roommate to see what they were up to. They asked us to stop over on the way home, so we did.

So now smoking weed was never my thing and never has been, but when we got there I kinda felt like a “when in Rome” sort of thing. Can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

So I smoked a bit, but as I expected, it was not good for me. I just remember seeing all kinds of numbers in my head and I couldn’t remember anything. I was completely out of it and I remember the others making fun of me.

I didn’t think any of this was funny and I was pretty scared. I laid back, in hopes that I could gain back a bit of coherence, but I couldn’t. Caesar somehow got me into his bedroom. Now, I had no ability to fend him off, but he was also my boyfriend, so I could trust him, right?

Well thinking back, I knew he had an underlying HATRED for me, so what was I thinking? It’s like I somehow became the dad that left him and he wanted to punish me. But, at the same time, he wanted to control and manipulate me and make sure I would never leave him.

That night, to make a long and difficult story short, he tried to get me pregnant. What a better way to keep someone FOREVER. When I meekly confronted him the next day, he berated me up one side and down the other, saying that he had no control over any of what happened and it was all my fault.

It’s my fault that he had no control. Well, all I can say is THANK GOD, I did not get pregnant, but I did stay. I STILL STAYED WITH HIM AFTER THIS!

Flash forward a few months. He, my girlfriend, and I went out. I didn’t last long because I was tired, so I left but asked Caesar to take my girlfriend home later. I woke up around 4 am (this was a Monday night) and he wasn’t home yet. I called him, no answer. I called my friend, no answer. I repeated this for quite some time, no one picked up.

At some point, he finally called me SCREAMING at me, asking me if I’m accusing him of something. All I said was that I was scared to death that something happened to the two of them. It never crossed my mind that they were doing anything inappropriate “together.”

But, that’s me, turning a blind eye to keep my friendships intact and not upset anyone. When he got home, he continued to verbally abuse me to the point of holding me on the ground, telling me how disgusted he was with me and how horrible I am to think anything was going on with him and my friend. Of course, I still stayed with him after that, as well as my friend. I didn’t want them to be mad at me.

Well, at some point I did get away from him. I believe the whole relationship was about 8 months or so. To make sure he got the last laugh, I guess, he called me to tell me how awful of a person I was and hung up.

Hope he got what he was looking for with that because what I have gained from that relationship is priceless knowledge that I will continue to pay forward as long as I live.

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