Up until this point in my life, I realize that I have only really been “comfortable” in abusive relationships. They are hell, but at least they are familiar, so there’s that.
In my past, the universe would always sprinkle in a few healthier guys just to see what I would do, see if I’d take the bait. Oh, I’d take the bait, but quickly throw it back into the ocean because they just didn’t want or “need” me the way that I was used to.
If they weren’t completely throwing themselves at me the very first week of dating, I assumed they weren’t interested, so I’d play this stupid game where I wasn’t available and pretend I was totally aloof.
Let’s take the guy my daughters’ refer to as The DILF.
I honestly can’t blame them for calling him that because this guy was and will always be a perfect specimen. He looks like he should be in a biology book where people are studying perfect bone and skeleton structures. I really outdid myself back then and will give myself a well-deserved pat on the back for that one.
I’m not completely convinced that even HE knew how beautiful he was. Because we lived kinda far from each other, he asked me if he would be able to shower at my place before our first date. I’m like, “ummmm, ok.” I have NO idea why he walked out of the bathroom with only his towel on (I’m pretty sure I went into an unconscious state as soon as the door opened), but he did, and that will forever be engrained in my mind as a wonderful memory.
Now, this guy was not only amazing looking, he was also very sweet and caring. He was driven and had real plans for his career and future. He had his own place and drove his own car (crazy, right?). We connected on a spiritual level and shared books and bits of wisdom with each other when we were together. I remember that there was a very deep and meaningful poem that we would always read to each other.
For all intents and purposes, this had the makings of a very healthy partnership, but there was one issue – he just got out of a long-term relationship. Keep in mind, he’s NORMAL! So, one of the very first things he told me when we met was that he just wasn’t quite ready to commit himself to anyone. He said that his previous relationship was special and it really broke his heart, so he just wasn’t looking for anything serious at this time.
Now, a healthy person would really appreciate that and just kinda go with the flow, see what happens. Well, not ME, because I relate to drama, torture, and abuse. So, what do I do? I start with the attitude of “well, I’ll show him!” “I’m not good enough for a relationship with him now? We’ll see about that.”
I start playing hard to get, not answering calls, acting like I’m so busy and unavailable. I mean, this is someone that I REALLY like and has been so incredibly sweet and honest to me! WTF?
I don’t remember all of the details around the next 6 months or so, but I know I tortured myself, most likely because I wasn’t getting tortured by him. I know we kept in touch and went out here and there, but in my head, I was playing a game. A game he knew nothing about.
Flash forward, I’m at my friend’s wedding and I decided to ask him if he wants to be my date. He doesn’t answer me right away, he said that he would think about it. That’s not a good look for me because I immediately take that as “I’m not good enough” and start getting an attitude about it.
Really, all he wanted to do was organize a few details on his end before making a decision, you know, because he has a life outside of me (how dare he). However, to me, the delay is stirring up feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and powerlessness. The only thing running through my head is how I could never be as good as his ex, I’m not good enough for someone so perfect, and I will lose in the end, anyway.
Well, a few days later he calls me and says “I’d like to go to your friend’s wedding and I’d also like to invite you to dinner with my parents. We are going to celebrate my graduation and I’d like you to be a part of it.”
It was everything I’d been waiting to hear. My response to this is more difficult to write than I thought, as I sit here and shake my head. You know what I said to him?
“How dare you treat me the way that you have and expect me to just be your girlfriend now. Do you have any idea how much I put up with all these months and now you just want to make a commitment?”
Yep, that’s what I said. I think we call this “self-sabotage.”
Again, because he’s a normal person, he cut all ties with me. He wouldn’t even respond to my apologies by phone and email. He had boundaries that he respected and he wasn’t going to let anyone cross them.
So, to the DILF, thank you for teaching me boundaries, although I didn’t realize it then. I would say sorry for being such an idiot, but I’m being kind to myself. I just wasn’t strong enough yet and had to go through more learning experiences. I get it now.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
Wow! Amazing! I self-sabotage more than I’d like to admit. Sometimes it seems easier but not necessarily right.
I have also done this a couple of times in my life. Thanks for sharing!