I’m reading a book called “Why is it Always about You?” by Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW. This book has been a real central part of my healing and understanding and has also shed some light on why I look for, and subsequently allow, abuse in my relationships.
As I mentioned in a previous blog, during one of my relationships, I always had two options – one, meet his needs, or two, get yelled at, be it either all day or until 3:00 in the morning, literally unable to sleep. That was it and I allowed it.
As a side note, he did say to me once “how was I supposed to know it was abuse if you never told me it was?” Now, I’m sure you all might have mixed feelings about that question.
I have been very vocal about the responsibility I take for my ignorance in all of my relationships. I have been a student of The Kabbalah Centre for over 20 years. I’ve been through the spiritual school of hard knocks and have faced my ego square in the face more times than I’d like to mention.
But when does a grown-ass man start taking responsibility, as well, and say “yeah, I really treated her like shit, I need to figure out what’s wrong with me and fix it.” Sadly, that didn’t happen in our relationship. No matter what therapist we worked with, it was always about me changing and adjusting my behavior to see how I could better support him. I was always encouraged to focus on the positive, reflect on our good times, stop remembering the bad times.
Well, I’m not sure what got into me at some point, but I started to write down all of the abuse I was enduring. I began keeping a journal of all of the times I decided to buck the system (not my system, of course) and had to deal with his rage, threats, and endless – and I mean ENDLESS – rantings about how I’m not giving him what he needs.
My journal had 55 items listed in it. That is 55 different abusive situations that I allowed because I had zero respect for myself. My partner wasn’t happy about this journal, but I’m certain he read it several times, because I was just an extension of him. I didn’t really exist as a separate human being. Everything that was mine, was his.
I also started recording him. I recorded him yelling, swearing, and threatening me, following me all over the house. You can hear me telling him to stay away and give me my space, but I had no rights. This was his world, his home, his “person” and his person was causing him problems.
In order to keep some peace in our home I had to allow him into the bathroom whenever I was in there. I can honestly say that I was never in the bathroom alone for many years. I’m not sure what he thought I was doing in there, but he wasn’t going to EVER give me any time to myself.
Well, I didn’t really exist as an individual, so why did I need to be separated from him? We had one of those big bathrooms where the sinks, shower, and closet are all in one room. Fortunately, the actual toilet was in a separate room, but I’m sure if it was more socially acceptable, he would have been in there with me, too.
I hated him for always being in there, always watching me, partly like a two year old child who’s begging for his mom’s attention, but also like a two year old in a man’s body that has no problem throwing a tantrum if he doesn’t get his needs met. But I didn’t stick up for myself, so maybe it was actually ME that I hated?
He constantly stared at me and if I went into the closet to change, to get some privacy, he would get pissed and say “why are you hiding from me?” So many years, I NEVER showered by myself. I NEVER changed my clothes without him there. He actually manipulated me by saying “you are the only woman I am able to see naked, don’t you think I deserve to see my woman walk around like this?”
He actually pulled this pathetic bullshit on me like he was in such a sad situation. I’m the ONLY woman he gets to see naked, I should forgo the right to any privacy to please him. That was a threat, he was threatening me – that I needed to meet this need of his, allow him in the bathroom with me or else. Or else what? I mean, what the hell was I afraid of? Why could I never rock the boat? Why couldn’t I stand up and be a woman, with MY OWN needs and desires?
Every time he came through that bathroom door I wanted to punch him in the face. During one of our last blowout fights I stood up for myself and told him that if the bathroom door is shut he does NOT come through it. I am a grown woman and I need time to myself.
A couple of days later I was showering and brushing my teeth with the door closed. Keep in mind, I literally take no more than 10 minutes in the bathroom because I have respect for him needing to get in there, too. I also make it a point to take super quick showers because we have several other people in the home that need to shower, as well, and I want to make sure they have hot water.
Not this guy. He will take 30-minute showers whenever he wants. If anyone else is in the shower longer than he thinks is acceptable, he will turn the hot water off in the house while they are showering. I cannot make this shit up.
When I’d confront him about this, he would, once again, insult my intelligence and say he didn’t turn the hot water off. Everyone, and I mean everyone, in the house knows he did that. I digress.
When I was finishing up in the bathroom after being in there for maybe five minutes, he knocked on the door, completely disrespecting the boundary I put in place. He wanted to come in but I stuck to my guns, including my newly createded boundary, and said “I will be out in three minutes.” His response? “Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck are you doing in there? This is fucking ridiculous.” Oh my dear, I snuck a couple dudes in here when you weren’t looking. Give us a few more minutes to finish, please.
I will end this blog by adding a few words by Sandy Hotchkiss:
“It is the nature of narcissistic entitlement to see the situation from only one very subjective point of view that says, ‘My feelings and needs are all that matter, and whatever I want, I should get.’ Mutuality and reciprocity are entirely alien concepts, because others exist only to agree, obey, flatter, and comfort – in short, to anticipate and meet my every need. If you cannot make yourself useful in meeting my need, you are of no value and will most likely be treated accordingly, and if you defy my will, prepare to feel my wrath. Hell hath no fury like a Narcissist denied.”
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
