I hope that I’ve made it pretty clear that I have absolutely no hard feelings about my upbringing. I truly believe that whatever I endured back in the day set the stage for my life’s purpose. If I hadn’t gone through what I went through, I wouldn’t be able to reach my potential and subsequently help others.
My parents were super cute, very dear people who would give the shirts off their backs to anyone. The stage that was set once I entered this lifetime was indeed set so I could manifest my purpose. I will ALWAYS be grateful for them.
My dad left this world on the new moon of Capricorn in 2017, my mom left on the new moon of Aquarius, 2020. I believe that to be very special and I pray that my work in this world will continue to benefit their souls.
When I talk about my childhood it’s only so I can better understand where I am today and help draw the picture for those that resonate with my experiences. Please always have good thoughts about the people that brought me into this world, their intentions were nothing but love, in the way they knew it.
A situation that came to me recently that seemed to shape me in many ways was during dinner when I was probably around five years old. Now, although my dad was very volatile, I could usually sense when to speak to him and when to just leave him alone.
But the problem was that I liked him, as a person. I mean, when he was in a good mood, he was super fun, so I felt like I wanted his attention, I wanted that connection. I wanted to have fun and laugh and my dad was really funny!
I was such an optimist, I always thought “well, maybe this time I will get the positive interaction I’m looking for,” but it was extremely risky to make contact, and even at five years old, I was well aware. Being the little optimist, I lobbed it out there and took the risk.
We were having dinner, as we normally did, and I noticed that every time my dad drank from his glass and put it down on the table, he wiped the rim of the glass with his thumb. I was so curious about this, as I noticed it for quite some time, but never knew why he did that.
Thinking back, I was just this little kid being curious, but dad wasn’t in the mood for such nonsense. I will never understand why my asking about that made him so incredibly angry, but it sure did. I don’t remember the exact words he used, but it was so over the top and I was so embarrassed, confused, and completely annihilated by his reaction.
I couldn’t breathe, my stomach sank to the floor, and I didn’t know where to go or what to do. My mom didn’t protect me and I’m certain my brother was oblivious to the entire scene. I was sent to my room for the night, no lights on.
To this day I have to force myself to ask people questions, in certain circumstances. I know that I never willingly asked questions in school, I kept fairly quiet in that regard. I was so afraid to be met with such potential embarrassment. I mean, not knowing something and inquiring about it is a pretty vulnerable thing, you know? It’s admitting ignorance, but being secure enough to ask for guidance.
Seems so basic, but because of that one instance in my childhood, I lost my voice. I no longer felt safe to let my guard down and be vulnerable. Even if I did, I didn’t have a voice to say anything anyway. From that point forward I had to just know the answers or, at the very least, pretend I already knew.
Today, I can see how this carries through as an adult. I have to push myself to get clarification during a conversation. If someone suggests something that I really don’t want to do, I can’t speak up or set a boundary, I just do it.
If the options are catering to someone’s needs or getting yelled at, I will just begrudgingly cater to that person’s needs. It’s truly amazing that it’s not until you open your eyes that you realize how shut they really were. I’m definitely seeing daylight.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
