Someone asked me recently what it is I value in a relationship. It was an interesting question for me, especially at this time, because my knee-jerk reaction was to say “just don’t freaking try to control me.”
But I realized that I needed to be a bit more constructive and practical in my answer. If I can’t reasonably respond to this question, what is it that I’m hoping to achieve in the future? I need to get this ironed out, as my slate is super clean right now.
The first thing that popped into my head was trust. This is where I’m going to steer a little bit off course from discussing my relationship values for a minute because I want to talk about me and trust.
If there’s one thing I can say about myself it is that I am a vault. Always have been. There is actually something in my astrological chart that speaks to me being trustworthy and giving out a vibe that allows people to feel comfortable sharing with me, very private information.
I remember as a kid being told some pretty wild things and feeling very empowered by keeping those words to myself. For the record, I don’t remember any information being dangerous or potentially hurtful, it was more gossipy at that point, but I never spoke of it.
Flash forward to today and this is very much still the case. There have been so many people that have reached out to me and shared private struggles or they literally just message me and say “thank you” and nothing else (meaning, thank you for blogging about what I cannot speak of or, for that matter, do anything about).
The common theme seems to be “yeah, it’s great that you’re speaking up for yourself, but that’s you. I, on the other hand, am stuck, there’s nothing I can do about my life, I’m just going to stay right where I’m at, regardless of my misery”…aka Comfortable Hell.
So, there’s this concept I’ve been reading about lately called “learned helplessness.” The site, positivepsychology.com, defines it as follows:
“Learned helplessness is a phenomenon observed in both humans and other animals when they have been conditioned to expect pain, suffering, or discomfort without a way to escape it (Cherry, 2017). Eventually, after enough conditioning, the animal will stop trying to avoid the pain at all—even if there is an opportunity to truly escape it.”
This concept is broken down even further to “personal” and “universal” helplessness. Basically, “universal” is when a person believes there is no hope of escape available, anywhere. “Personal” helplessness is where the individual believes other people have the means to escape, however, it is only they that do not.
This, THIS is what I’m talking about! Somehow, we’ve convinced ourselves that escaping from Comfortable Hell belongs to other people. Hear me tell you… IT BELONGS TO YOU!
I was that very person who was conditioned at a very young age to be powerless and just roll with the punches because it’s futile to even speak up. That’s the only possible explanation I have for staying so long in hell – putting up with such horrendous treatment, and being fake-happy when I always had to face the music that played inside my home eventually.
There is no real escape from that underlying unhappiness that shows up when you lay down for bed. You WILL have to deal with it at some point, the Universe is not giving anyone a break, anymore – have you noticed that?
Everything is coming at us so fast, including more and more opportunities to do what you NEVER thought you could do – make those tough changes that only “other” people are strong enough to make.
Well, I am living proof that change for only “other people” is nonsense and I am going to help you get out of Comfortable Hell.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
