I realize that this is just one of the many micro-managing control tactics that I was allowing him to do, but it’s a total mind-F because you doubt yourself.
It could be a headache or a cold – all things that inhibit your ability to fully cater to his or her needs. This causes the abuser to suffer a “narcissistic injury.”
We need to know that we’re not alone, we’re not stupid or weak, we just couldn’t see the relationship for what it was and we didn’t have the voice to speak. It takes time, courage, and the help of friends to open our eyeballs.
Thinking back, I really did know that he loved me – probably more than he was able to deal with. I believe he loved all of us so much that he didn’t know how to handle it, and in turn, express it.
I told him that the last thing in the world I ever want to do is to teach my children that being miserable in a relationship is okay. My son’s response was nothing short of brilliant, he looked at me and said “and yet, that’s exactly what you are doing.”
Now things with Goose didn’t start off great. He didn’t trust me…like every single guy I’ve ever dated. I didn’t give him any reason not to trust me, but he didn’t.
The belief that I had to somehow change, be it within myself or my outside behavior, to make other people happy really taught me that I was not good enough just as I was.
I sometimes feel that if I actually stood up for myself, even at 8 years old, my family would have cowered. I will never know if that’s true, but it feels like that now. It was like a house of cards that I could have knocked down so easily if I knew my real power.
I am really no different from anyone with respect to choosing hell over happy. I’ve been doing it for most of my life. The difference is that I am beginning to connect the dots, to see the roadblocks and how to bring them down.
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