For me, one of the hardest parts of healing from abusive relationships is coming to terms with the fact that your partner never REALLY “loved” you. It’s kind of mindblowing, heartbreaking, and depressing all at the same time.
You’ve gotten yourself out of the situation, so it’s time to reflect, but all you can do is shake your head because nothing was really as it seemed… and it seemed SO incredibly real, I know!
To my partners, love wasn’t limitless and unconditional, it was just a logical concept. It’s kinda like reading a book about love – it was understood, like mathematics, but not felt with the heart. You see, because that person’s heart was being protected at all costs, and usually at the expense of you, the one who FEELS EVERYTHING.
But let me be clear about something I know for certain, as I sit in reflection on all my relationships, no matter how REAL it may have seemed, if you are not being uplifted, inspired, and supported by the person you are with, it’s not love.
If you are being told that YOU need to change to make things better, it’s not love. If the boundaries you wish you could enforce are being demolished and steamrolled every day, it’s not love. If you’re threatening to leave a relationship and your partner is STILL complaining about YOU, it’s not love, it’s just this false idea of what we have always believed love to be.
As I’ve said in my past blogs, if the person I was with wasn’t creating enough drama, I would somehow manage to stir up the drama myself. It’s not like I actually enjoyed the turmoil and volatility (at least, I don’t think I did), but if any other way of operating existed, I certainly wasn’t aware of it.
My very first experiences with “love” and “safety” were played out on a stage closely resembling a battleground with emotionally immature actors. Throughout my entire dating & marriage careers, I have taken painstaking efforts to seek out only emotionally immature actors to star in the movie of my life.
And why wouldn’t I do that? I mean, who was I learning emotional health from? I was just getting caught in a familiar loop where each experience would look different on the surface, but the lesson (or hidden message) was always the same.
And hear me tell you, it will ALWAYS be the same until you begin to draw the line in the sand and have some love & respect for YOU.
I’m in a place right now where I’m just exhausted. I have wasted so much energy keeping up the love-charade, where I only allow myself to be loved as a surface-level concept. Where I am just an object expected to push down my own needs and abandon the person that I really am so I can merely EXIST without being yelled at, punished, and reminded of my inadequacies.
I am FAR from inadequate and I refuse to only exist.
My childhood may have primed me for this type of reality, but there’s a reason why this universe gave us eyes in the front of our heads and not the back. Nothing is carved out in stone and it is NEVER too late to make adjustments to the only path you’ve ever known. I am SO over being responsible for everyone’s happiness, I mean, who do I think I am, anyway?
And if the person who “loves” me seriously sets out to ruin my day or put me down because my #1 goal in life is NO LONGER satisfying your extreme and unobtainable needs, you need to move on to the next person who’s willing to give you that surface-level, temporary, supply. Oh, they’re out there, I’m sure, but thank God it’s no longer me because I am only responsible for myself. If I’m not living my truth then I am lying to everyone.
On my run this morning I set my iTunes to shuffle and the most random songs were playing, songs that I haven’t listened to for so long. Well, let’s face it, nothing is random, I guess I needed to hear the song “Wonderful” by Gary Go. In the song, Gary repeats the sentence “say I am wonderful” many times.
So, you know what? I AM wonderful, so are you, let’s stop accepting this bullshit as our only reality because it’s not. It’s very possible that taking the first step is the hardest thing you’ll have to do.
Sarah Saxby is a Holistic Nutrition Consultant, Transformation Coach, and blogger that uses Kabbalistic Astrology, Human Design, and intuitive guidance to lead her clients to finally live with clarity, fulfillment, and internal happiness. You can also find her at Strategies for Happiness where you can schedule an Astrological Alignment Reading or a free, 15-minute Discovery Call to discuss Nutrition and/or Transformational Coaching sessions.
